From Somebody to Nobody: Reclaiming the Freedom of Being Whole
When the Identities That Keep Us Safe Become the Cages That Confine Us
Many of us spend our lives in what Ram Dass jokingly called Somebody Training, the process of learning how to earn love and safety by being the “right” kind of person.
We’re born whole, with access to every human quality: joy, grief, creativity, anger, tenderness. But through our early experiences, we start editing ourselves. We learn which parts of us are rewarded, and which are met with rejection or withdrawal.
The result? We become Somebody, a curated version of ourselves shaped by the rules of our families, cultures, and societies.
What Is Somebody Training?
“Somebody Training” is the lifelong education in conditional belonging.
We learn that politeness earns approval. That being smart or helpful earns praise. That certain clothes, behaviors, or opinions make us more acceptable.
Over time, we begin to sculpt a persona… the “us” that feels safe to show the world.
Every family has its own curriculum:
Some teach that achievement equals worth.
Some reward stoicism and strength.
Others prize charm and humor as survival tools.
And in cultures steeped in patriarchy, perfectionism, and performance, the training runs deep. Many of us learn to silence intuition, minimize our needs, and chase validation instead of authenticity.
The Cost of Being Somebody
At first, our “Somebodiness” helps us fit in. But eventually, it begins to fracture us.
To be Somebody means maintaining the version of ourselves that others approve of, which means suppressing the parts that don’t fit. We trade authenticity for acceptance.
This is why perfectionists often feel exhausted and anxious. Why caretakers struggle to rest. Why overachievers feel empty even after success.
Being Somebody may keep us loved, but it keeps us small.
And at some point, a midlife crisis, a burnout, a spiritual awakening, we realize the cost of this performance.
The Awakening: Beginning Nobody Training
When we outgrow the version of ourselves we built to survive, we enter a new kind of education: Nobody Training.
Nobody Training is the practice of letting go of the false identities that kept us safe, and returning to the wholeness we were born with.
It’s the process of unlearning the belief that love must be earned.
It’s the quiet surrender into being, not performing.
The Freedom of Being Nobody
As Nobody, we are no longer bound by our curated identities.
We are not limited to being “the strong one,” “the helpful one,” or “the successful one.”
Instead, we become free to be all things… to paint with the full human palette again.
Nobody allows grief and joy to coexist.
Nobody values authenticity over approval.
Nobody knows that vulnerability and strength can live side by side.
In Nobody Training, we remember that we never had to earn love — because love is what we are.
Reflection: Are You Still in Somebody Training?
Take a moment to ask yourself:
Which parts of yourself do you hide to feel safe or loved?
Where do you over-perform or over-give to maintain acceptance?
What emotions or desires do you shame or suppress?
Who might you be if you stopped performing altogether?
Exploring these questions with compassion is the beginning of freedom — the doorway to becoming Nobody.
Becoming Whole Again
The journey from Somebody to Nobody isn’t about erasing your personality or rejecting the roles you play.
It’s about integrating every part of you, the light and the shadow, the performer and the observer, the achiever and the dreamer.
When we stop identifying solely with our achievements or appearances, we rediscover our innate worth.
We become more grounded, creative, and compassionate, both with ourselves and with others.
Final Thought
As Nobody, we don’t need to earn love, because we are love itself.
And in that freedom, we find that we are not just Somebody or Nobody, we are everybody.
Ask yourself:
What would change in your life if you stopped trying to be Somebody?
About Mollie Birney
Mollie Birney is a Clinical Coach, former therapist, and writer exploring the space between psychological healing and spiritual growth. She helps high-achieving individuals learn how to make their minds a safer place to live… through curiosity, compassion, and conscious change.
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